A crucial part of developing self-awareness is understanding what motivates our thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions, and what triggers them.
When we shed light on our intricate ways of operating both consciously and unconsciously, we grow and heal, to leave room for who we are at our core and ultimately find realignment.
There are various ways, to help with that process of deeply understanding oneself, and to grasp the full spectrum of what makes us who we are, with all our layers. For example, one of them is to look at the 4 dimensions of the Self: mental, physical, emotional and spiritual or energetic — a concept that is extended from Existential Psychotherapy — to become aware that, to some extent, every experience we go through impacts each dimension.
In the same way, we talk about the 3 levels of the Self: the Social Self — who we display to our peers — , the Inner Self — who we are at our core, within the confines of our very own secret realm — , and the Higher Self — the part of us that connects us to something greater and beyond, let’s call it the Universe — . Three perspectives that help us better understand how we connect, relate and behave, while taking into consideration that what we put out there, whether towards society or towards the Universe, can be and very often is quite different from who we are at our core.
Then, there is of course all the talk about our shadow and what it brings to the mix. That part of us that we need to befriend, acknowledge and heal, forcing us to go deep into the confines of our psyche and emotions, no matter the discomfort it brings; and often revealing the wounds that have scarred our inner child, that part of us that craves the “good” parenting we’ve been needing and longing for.
Last but not least, what would self-awareness be without understanding the role that our Ego plays into this picture? Described by Freud as one of three components of one’s personality, the Ego serves as a social or reality filter to prevent us from either following our most basic urges or more moralistic virtues. For Freud, our Ego is our main guide to navigate our ever social life. Of course, theories and interpretations of the Ego have evolved since then; and today, for the advocates of neo-spirituality, it is perceived as a part of the Self that needs to be dissolved in order for us to be in full alignment with our most authentic self.
Overwhelming much? I know I have been.
While in the midst of my own healing journey and process of developing my sense of self-awareness, all these approaches, though extremely fascinating and insightful, felt like way too much things to consider while remaining quite theoretical. I was longing for an approach that would encompass all the nuances, perspectives and layers of the Self, while it not being too complex, as well as being anchored in the reality of life. So, acknowledging that:
We will always be triggered, no matter how grounded, connected, and aligned we are.
Therefore, we can never kill or fully get rid of the Ego as it is our main protector against triggers.
Our past experiences leave deep marks into our being, as well as the traumas that may come along with them. Which is at the origin of most of our triggers.
These realities combined often force us to disconnect from who we are at our core, ultimately preventing us to be in deep alignment with our soul.
So, I’ve developed an alternative model that I call “The 3 Drivers of the Self”
That embraces the essence of all these approaches, while taking into consideration the realities of our daily lives; in order to better grasp what’s at play when the inward goes outward, what drives our behaviours and actions, and what influences our thoughts and emotions.
The 3 drivers of the Self that we need to balance within each of us are:
My Soul: who I am at my core. My essence. The most truthful and authentic version of myself, beyond education, social experiences, traumas, etc. aligned with my true sense of purpose — and with the Universe — .
My Ego: the version of myself I put out in the world in order to protect myself from potentially being hurt. It’s my knight in shining armour who shows up whenever I need a good defender, no matter if it makes sense or not, no matter if it’s needed or not, and no matter if it’s justified or not. The Ego is great at creating narratives in our minds that benefit whatever story we need to tell ourselves in order to feel safe and protected.
My Wounded Self: that part of myself that has been hurt and traumatised, in whatever shape or form that might take for each of us. It feeds and lives on fear. It’s that small child curled up in the corner of the room who doesn’t want to be hurt ever again, yet who’s anxiously anticipating the next punch to come, no matter if it’s real or not.
These 3 drivers are constantly at play within each of us and the goal is to understand which one is taking the lead and driving the show whenever we get triggered, or whenever we think, feel and act: the foundation of self-awareness.
But the trick is to also understand that these 3 parts of the Self work together, and therefore the goal is not to get rid of the Ego or the Wounded Self to solely be in the Soul, but to bring awareness — and ultimately peace — to why, when and how the Ego or the Wounded Self take over, in order to create a healthy and sustainable tension or balance between the three.
As mentioned above, realistically, the Ego and the Wounded Self will still be there and get triggered, but by developing our sense of self-awareness with this approach, we create space within ourselves to consciously choose who drives the Self and when.
For example, maybe a person has unconsciously been living 50% in their Ego, 40% in their Wounded Self, and 10% in their Soul. While another person has been 60% in their Wounded Self and 40% in their Ego, with no room for their Soul. It all varies from one individual to the other based on our many different life experiences. But by shedding light on how these 3 parts operate within, maybe the first person will now consciously choose to move through life by being 50% in their Soul, 30% in their Ego and 20% in their Wounded Self. While the other one will have the conscious approach to embody 40% their Soul, 30% their Ego and 30% their Wounded Self, because that’s what suit them better given their experiences.
What is key to understand here, is that there is no right way or good mix to reach.
It’s about identifying what works for each of us in a way that takes into consideration what we have been through, while making more space for our Soul in a sustainable way. There will be times where the Soul takes the backseat and that is totally okay, as long as we deeply, genuinely and honestly know why.
Some reflection questions:
Looking back at the last time I was triggered, which part of me reacted and took the driver’s seat? Why?
Now looking at other situations, can I identify a repeating pattern? For example, am I always letting my Ego take over?
Moving forward, what power do I want to give to each part? How can I make more space for my Soul to come forward? What’s preventing me from doing so?
What does a good and sustainable balance look like for me? How might I implement it?
Once we have created awareness around these 3 drivers and start to grasp the impact they have on the full spectrum of the Self, we become more empowered by enabling ourselves to consciously choose how we want to show up — or not show up — in the world. Which also leaves space for being more self-compassionate as we develop a deeper understanding of our reactions and behaviours, and as we become more comfortable and accountable for our thoughts and emotions; slowly but surely paving our way to a more aligned, grounded and authentic sense of Self.
Figuring out how to navigate your healing journey? Don’t hesitate to reach out via www.journeystotheself.com